The same old same old...

Well, so much for the "post every week on a Monday", "never be this weight again" tush! Yada yada yada... I am boring myself now!

Anyway, this is how it is people - hear his.

As of this morning I weigh 247.2 Lbs - duh! This is not as bad as it sounds though. On the 17th June I was 251.8 lbs (Double Duh with sprinkles on!).

For various reasons (some really good and others downright lame..) I have not be able to get to the gym as often as i would like this week. yes dear reader, I said G Y M. Yes, really!

The whole Biggest Loser tv-fest is getting me in the zone for change (Sky TV are showing the whole season of Biggest Loser Couples with an episode each night! This is like self inflicted Chinese water torture for fat people! I love it - the tears, the rows, the unadulterated schmaltz of it all, God Bless NBC ! That last bit was a joke by the way - sarcasm in fact).

Seriously, I AM motivated by this as I see real (life-changing) development in people that previously believed it to be impossible (as I do/did) - it all boils down to how much you are willing to do to get it - it's not enough to want it really bad you have got to expect and accept the incredible mental and physical tornado that will hit you. This is a BIG lesson for me.

I am there - in the zone, ready to change and at the moment I am frustrated that I cannot get to the gym as often as I would like. For 2 days this week I was without a car as Mrs FBT's wagon was being MOT'd and to top it off, my Gym is at an hotel/spa complex that is very close to the Silverstone GP circuit so with the British Grand Prix this weekend, it is bedlam to say the least - I will be back on Monday to start again!

America - next time you see me I'll be on the front cover of FatBlokes International (swimsuit edition). Yuk!

“Daddy, why have you got a fat belly?”

Well, no sooner than the medical profession view me as a threat to the planet as a whole and indeed everyone on it, my biggest fan has started to ask some seriously probing questions about my physique…

My son is 4 years old and clearly does not yet know that "directness" is not always the best policy (lying is OK for adults, right? Especially to yourself, right?) Anyway, it’s my own fault for trying to bring him up to be an open and loving child – WHAT was I thinking??? Why can’t he lie to me like I lie to myself every time I pick a bottle of white wine from the cooler at the supermarket? Kids today – bah!

Anyway, I answered this devastatingly direct question with an equally devastatingly direct answer.

“My belly is fat because I eat too much and don’t exercise enough.” (Can you hear the thud?)

Simple, to the point, and possibly the single most depressingly direct thing that I have ever said in my life. What’s worse, it is the TRUTH! More importantly than that though is that if I know it, why in the name of jumping Jehosaphat do I not DO something about it?!

In answer to this, he looked at me and said thoughtfully “I only eat little chocolates so I don’t get a fat belly, don’t I dad?” – Oh please! – lay in on a bit thicker, why don’t you son?

At this point, I feel like I am trapped in a very bad 1950’s health film flickering and jumping around on the cinema screen between Flash Gordon (Just kill Ming when you get the chance – what is so difficult for God’s sake???) and some Laurel and Hardy. Another fine mess indeed…

I think I have kept up this denial long enough don’t you?

That same day I watched the latest series (season if you like) of the US Biggest Loser show – I lie to myself that I watch it for motivation but in reality (no pun intended) I mostly watch it to try to kid myself that I am not really fat – these people are proper fat, that’s spelt F A T, not like me, I’m just a ‘bit big’ – but as my wife groans and goes ‘uh yuck!’ every time one of them takes their shirt off for the initial weigh-in, I sigh inwardly knowing that I look just the same if not worse – she says that I don’t but I know I do – this is really not negative thought… just reality. I am genuinely not repulsed by my appearance at all (why should I be?), but my wife clearly hides her disgust, and that makes me feel bad – really bad. She really shouldn't need to do that.


We’ll leave ‘body-image’ for another day (BIG SUBJECT), but If I needed motivation, I got it, not from where I thought it would come but from an innocent question from an innocent little boy – and like love, sometimes you just have to get motivation from wherever you find it. As Mr Micheale jagger once said...'You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need!' - Amen to that brothers and Sisters!

TIME TO REDEDICATE

This morning I am 246.4lbs. I will NEVER weigh more than THIS EVER AGAIN!

I will be 215 lbs by the end of this year. WATCH ME BECOME OVERWEIGHT (now that's an ambition...!)

I will post at least every Monday morning from now until I get to 215lbs!

Its official, ITS ALL MY FAULT!

I HAVE OFFICIALLY HEARD IT ALL...

Just look at this....

ps - where do they get off using a picture of me without my permission!!?

pps - yes I DID shoot JF Kennedy...that was me too!

More about this when I calm down a bit....

April fool on me - Back by popular demand (ish) !!

Well, its been a while, I'll grant you that and reading my previous post, everything has changed and nothing has really changed. I'll explain...

On April 1st (how poetic!) I weighed in at 254.4Lbs (yes, really!) - that's only around 10lbs down on my starting weight just over a year ago!! This morning I am 245Lbs (I have been 241 as recently as last Monday but I am struggling again at the moment) - the call of the grape (both red and white varieties) grows ever stronger like a call to arms! I am sure I should have been born French (I have the nose already so that's a start I suppose...).

This recent wake-up call led me to my latest weight loss torture - 'death by fruits of all nations' - this unsurprisingly involves consuming so much fruit you begin to hallucinate cake,bread and biscuits. By crikey it works though, but the side effects are fairly troublesome and mostly ruinously anti-social. I did lose 14 pounds in as many days though, but keeping up this regime is harder than a big box full of REALLY hard things all wrapped up with tape with a label that says REALLY REALLY HARD STUFF INSIDE!!

My plan now is to keep up this fruit and water torture (no boards involved Donald you little tinker) during the week and try and minimise my exposure to NICE THINGS (i.e. bad stuff I really like) to small doses at the weekend. Hopefully this will put me back on track.

Don't get me wrong, I like fruit, some I could stretch to love if they looked at me in the right way over a candle-lit dinner but however affectionate they are, most fruits are not naughty enough to be interesting (unless they are dipped in chocolate obviously)!

Sadly I do not have time for a more in depth meander through my head at the moment but save to say that Buddha is still in there along with the usual mess of other tat from daily life. I will post again soon - PROMISE!. Many stories to tell from me and Mrs Fatbloke - stay tuned.

FBT

Walking with my eyes shut (aka Blogging as therapy part deux)

Yes, I'm still here bumbling along the highway of life ( as the buddhist saying goes - Do not speak- unless it improves on silence!) .

My weight this morning was 246.6lbs ...so better but not exactly great.

When I was a kid I used to try and walk as far as I could with my eyes shut - only opening them when I sensed impending doom (pot holes, trees and main roads etc!). The journey was exhilarating and adrenaline producing (bear with me, I'm not one for premeditated risk taking!). I tried it again recently for no known reason and it transported me back instantly to my child hood. Spooky and exciting all at the same time - just like Scooby Doo.

But what you may ask has this to do with lardy Buddhists? Not a great deal as usual, but I have struggled to blog about my journey for a while now and it occured to me that like my 'blind walking', I need to rediscover the pure thrill of the journey rather than worrying about my lack of progress - does that make any sense?

I used to be acutely embarrased about my lack of success (weight-wise or spirituality-wise wise), to such an extent that I felt emotionally paralised and totally unable to communicate to those of you who clearly care (I am still V E R Y touched and humbled by your interest and support). I am sorry for this but now I think I finally get it - the journey is the thing, not the destination nor indeed where I am on the map at any given time.

I am not going to promote this blog as I have neither the time nor the ego but I will try and keep you updated about my journey as often as I can.

If I am meant to be thin, I will be. Every day is some small way I try to follow the Buddhist way of life - through thoughts and deeds. I fail often, the overwhelming noise of moden life sometimes intrudes so harshly that I explode but on the whole, I am happy with my progress - a good sign is that my cirmumstances haven't changed but my general feeling of wellbeing is greatly improved.

Just writing this makes me feel my journey is worthwhile. It is clearly a journey that will last for the rest of my life and it's my journey, no-one elses.

Blogging as therapy - part #1.

Whoa...it's been a while, hasn't it? Hope eveyone is OK...

Yeah, I know - new year resolution...blah, blah, blah! I really don't believe in the new year resolution thing - it's just another day - why should we all be so much more capable of rebirth just because we got a new 'puppies of all nations' calender from the mother-in-law?

Right, let's get this out of the way. I'm bad (not Lindsey Lohan bad, but bad nevertheless) - my weight as of this morning is 254.4lbs.

I really don't want to dwell on the negative stuff, though I am REALLY quite good at it sometimes and everyone needs a hobby... but I know I have just got to get my 'she-height' together and get the weight off, so here we go again!

So diet, exercise and positive thought then - simple? Deja-vu?

I watched Kundun over Christmas and it managed to rake over the near dying embers of my Buddhist fire. I know deep down that Buddhism is for me but it feels like it is just another hurdle I have to straddle at the moment. But I know I must negotiate this hurdle as I still feel very passionately that central to my happiness (NOT WEIGHTLOSS REMEMBER) is the Buddhist philosophy and from this happiness will come the weight loss I need to heal myself.

In truth, I have been lazy. Lazy in thought and action. Too lazy to exercise, too lazy to adequately control my food & alcohol intake and too lazy to work on my mental state. This is in many ways much more annoying than the weight gain. But failure as they say, is just a fresh opportunity to improve!

I am now at ground zero again.

I have started an 11 week challange to lose weight - a battle with a colleague at work. We will weigh in once a week for the 11 weeks and the biggest loser is the winner (if you see what I mean...).

I have just deleted the word 'Pressure' as I was about to type 'Pressue of work prevents me from beginning an exercise regime. What a load of crap - I'm embarrassing myself now! I must resolve to be honest with myself. I don't exercise because I can't be arsed - no other reason!

Without radical chnage I am going nowhere. So a new start...the journey starts here!


Resolutions :-

1. Be honest with myself. I cannot be honst with anyone else until I do...

2. Exercise in a sensible, sustainable way.

3. Control my food and alcohol intake to manage my weight more effectively.

4. Learn to play the drums ... sorry, that should read, study more Buddhist teachings and try and sort my head out. Then I can learn the drums...

So, If you stray on my lawn in the near future, feel free to shout through the letter box as usual. I still have an ego you know!

Action stations!!! Fat Bloke ahoy!

Right then, I'm back ladies and gentlemen. This time it is personal....

The time for action has finally arrived. Don't know why but who cares - I'm here and ready for action.

Weigh in this morning was 'disappointing' to say the least. Though not that disappointed I suppose when I consider the near suicidal diet regime I have been following.

I am presently engaged in an attempt on my life which shall be known as 'death by Panini' - moving offices to within a few yards of EVERYTHING that is both bad for me and utterly fantastically tasty is NOT helping.

So here we go (drum roll...)

Weight - 248.6Lbs.


Well, there you go - all that excitement and over a 10 pound gain - TEN POUNDS!!! Hang-on, I just have to read that again.. TEN BLOODY POUNDS!!! How could I do that to myself - Muppet!

Right - I'm not going to dwell on it, just get on with it.

Target 1 - get back to 239 (my lowest previous weight).

That'll do for now.

I will try and post at least every other day to let you know how I am getting on but this is IT now - no prisoners!

Courage comes in many sizes...

A great rock is not disturbed by the wind; the mind of a wise man is not disturbed by either honor or abuse. Dalai Lama

I got an e-mail today. A short, nice thoughtful e-mail. It goes a-somefing likka dis....

Hi FBT

I’m Brian and I’m a 58 year old fat Buddhist – there aren’t many of these around. I was actually looking for some Buddhist magic to do the dieting for me when I stumbled across your site.

It’s great and I’m 100% behind you and will even try to lose weight myself. I’m starting from a sylph like 256 lbs.

Most of my Buddhist friends are thin veggies and I tend to stand out on photos, weighing twice as much as most of them, so some serious weight loss is long overdue.

I will follow your progress with great interest and hope that it will provide me with inspiration.

Good on you FBT lets see your smiling face in Dharamsala ( pies permitting ).

Kind Regards & Metta

Brian

Leaving aside that my progress is minimal, this is still a nice thing to receive. I am not too churlish to appreciate some encouragement, however random it's arrival. Thanks Brian, and good luck to you too!

This is not the first one I've received and it's not the first time I have considered blogging about their arrival/contents. Sometimes I feel it is not very 'Buddhist' to bang on about these sorts of things. Think less - do more! Resolution for 2008....

Anyway, thank you to those of you that continue to take time to contact me via e-mail. I do appreciate the thought and I feel I should really start living up to your image of FBT.

Slowly but surely I am dealing with the other things in my life that are mentally dragging me down and stopping me getting on with the single most important thing I will ever do - get fit and healthy for my son.

I love him in a way I can't really explain - sound stoopid? Who cares!

Dharamsala fells a VERY long way away at them moment but I have not given up and I have not lost the notion of where I want to be - I may have put the map down somewhere and forgotten where I put it but sooner or later I will lift an old copy of Private Eye and find it lying there waiting to show me the way.

I dare not weigh myself but I am building up to it. I have not exercised in the gym for weeks and my diet is fairly abysmal....but on the bright side, life can always be worse.

We are coming up to Remembrance day in the UK - a time to reflect and give thanks for the sacrifice of others. A sobering time for all of us fretting about sub-prime debt and the price of the latest Jimmy Choo's or whatever! Real courage, real hardship, real fear.

A strange day for a Buddhist, but then I'm not your average Buddhist......

Thanks for your comments everyone - when I'm back in the loop I'll come and sit on all your porch's and have a chat - that's a promise. Tea, milk no sugar and don't show me a biscuit unless it's got chocolate on it! Got it?

There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a nice cup of tea. Bernard-Paul Heroux

The glass is still half empty...

I haven't posted for a while, I've not had much to say. I also turned off my comments (sorry Celeste!), I just needed some space.

I am not usually a half empty glass sort of bloke. I'm English, we don't really do public emotion (though you should have seen me last night when England beat France to get in the Rugby World Cup...cripes! Not a dry seat in the house! That may have been the London Pride talking though,...) - this blog turned into something far more emotional than I ever envisaged and this meant I delved much deeper inside myself than I ever intended to go - when you delve, you can't control what you find, it you could they'd be not much point delving now would there?. That is not necessarily a bad thing, just a thing. OK, cards on the table, I am acutely embarrassed by my emotional outpourings - there you go, I said (wrote?) it!

Some, not many, but some people know me in the 'real world' and know I blog as FBT - this is a problem, as soon as you have lunch with someone who knows you spilled your 'dharmic guts' the night before, it makes it very difficult to keep on spilling. Does this make sense?

I think I just need a gap and then I'll be able to start again. I am on holiday this week (but at home) so I intend to do a bit of redesign of the look of the blog and do a bit of a re-launch to get the ball rolling again.

So finally, Celeste (any anyone else who feels the need to get in touch) please comment whenever you like as I have turned the comments back on. But if you expect me to understand or involve myself in FACEBOOK, you may have to long wait as I don't think 'social networking' is for me...yet!

Anyway, off for a night at a hotel with the wife (child free time!!!) - a chance to relax and think (as if I don't do enough of that already!).. Pictures to follow!

See you soon.

Still looking inside...

I received an e-mail this morning - it was from Facebook, saying that Steve Vaught wanted to be my friend.. ahhh that's nice!

I know what a face is (I have one after all) and I have a whole host of books, so clearly I am familiar with their appearance. Facebook, however remains a significant mystery to me - what is it and what is it for??

Anyway, I am now officially a friend of Steve and that's a good thing. He's a nice bloke who did a very brave thing when he embarked on a journey across America. If I had half his courage I would be a happier man than I am today. Reading between the lines, he has established the same connection as me between weight and spirituality. I think - maybe not, thats for him to say I guess.

Due to the 'spiders-web' nature of the internet - the way that moving from link to link transports you to places you never dreamed of visiting - I got to read some truly inspiration words today thanks to Steve.

If you have a little 'too much junk in your trunk' - read it here.

Oh, and Karoline, you're right in your Dharmic assertions....the negative stuff will be removed forthwith! Only positive thoughts - self depreciating humour not withstanding - will grace this blog!

Anyway, how am I doing?

I have not weighed myself (other than visual 'man-boob check' every morning - a very accurate indicator of weight fluctuation in my experience..) for way too long. My eating habits are not great but have been worse - I am clinging on so far....

More soon...

Live in Joy

Live in Joy, In love,

Even among those who hate.

Live in joy, In health,

Even among the afflicted.

Live in joy, In peace,

Even among the troubled.

Look within. Be still.

Free from fear and attachment,

Know the sweet joy of living in the way.

There is no fire like greed,

No crime like hatred,

No sorrow like separation,

No sickness like hunger of heart,

And no joy like the joy of freedom.

Health, contentment and trust

Are your greatest possessions,

And freedom your greatest joy.

Look within. Be still. Free from fear and attachment,

Know the sweet joy of living in the way.