16 Jun 2007

Up and down, in and out, round and about....

The weekend has been a right old roller coaster in every way so far!

Diet wise, my wife was out of town on Friday which historically was a rare opportunity to stuff my face stupid and get munted on as much alcohol as I had to hand... looking back I think this was more out of boredom than some hedonistic throw-back to 'bachelordom'... This only occurred to me today when I realised that I was totally bored without her at home on Friday and really properly badly missed her and EVERYTHING (all together children ...ahhhhh!).

This time I managed to avoid the temptation and cooked myself some fresh salmon and made a fish salad that was very filling and low fat. I did however have to run the gauntlet of the treacle tart every time I opened the bloody fridge (it was left over from my Birthday meal on the 14Th)....I even got as far as getting the box out of the fridge at one point but managed to get it back again without eating any! I became totally obsessed about it which is more than a bit strange as I know this wouldn't have happen if the wife had been in residence - I find it so much easier to be healthy when I have someone to 'show off to' if you know what I mean?

My general mood and demeanour was not aided by my choice of entertainment. I watched one of the most relentlessly dark and troubled films I think I have ever seen. Bad Lieutenant with Harvey Keitel in the starring role. Regardless of his supposed redemption, I found it accentuated my already dismal mood. It is strange but I used to crave and genuinely enjoy my own space and company for long periods of time - something has recently happened to change this that I can't put my finger on...very odd.

Anyway, Saturday started much better as my wife had booked me a back massage for my birthday at a local Health Spa (she works in the hotel , 50% discount - back of the net!!). This was the first time I have ever had a massage (yes, really!) and I admit I was a little apprehensive...but it was fantastic! It was only 30 minutes long and I could have one each day, no problem.

Wife and child arrived home just after lunch - tired and miserable x2.... I am not proud of what happened next as we went shopping for food for tonight's meal and ended up having a very public row in the local Waitrose supermarket (not exactly very Buddhist!). This was your average 'something out of nothing' nitshit type argument that I regretted as soon as It started, I can't even be bothered to go into the details really as the day got worse when we got home....

You see, we have mice and the wife 'doesn't do' mice... We came home to find 2 mice incarcerated in the somewhat less than humane traps. One was still alive and attached to the device by his almost severed leg (sorry for the imagery...). Whilst my wife 'doesn't do' mice, she equally 'doesn't do' humane dispatch either so I was told in no uncertain terms that I had to deal with it. In times gone by, this would have not caused an eyelid to batted but the whole Buddhist compassion thing has ridden a horse and cart straight through many of my longest held beliefs. I dispatched the mouse as quickly as I could by drowning it and I took absolutely no pleasure in it (quite the reverse in fact) and I now deeply regret it. I don't want to dwell on this but I felt compelled to watch the creature in its last moments and I know I can never do it again. I honestly wish I had had the courage to have refused to do it.

It is difficult for people to appreciate (those close to me that is) how much in a moral state of flux I really am. I am finding that my moral compass is changing all the time. I felt in some ways that killing that mouse was a watershed for me and I almost had to step over a line to know which side I wanted to be on. Does that make sense?

Blimey, I am not entirely sure where this post is going so I think I'll call it a night at that.

Fathers day tomorrow, dinner out with friends (2 Mums, 2 Dads, 2 Sons) - what can be better than that?


karoline in the morning said...

bless your heart, learn, grow, change...



Jojo said...

I know what you mean. I want to have grace, yet sometimes I'm crude. I want to be a forever patient mom, yet sometimes I am not. Remember, say to yourself, I am the person I want to be, then be that person, right now.

AndyC said...

Sounds like a tough day, and not just for diety reasons.

Back to the mouse... I think you have to think in terms of saving future suffering rather than causing harm. But if it bothers you that much, get some more humane traps.

FatBlokeThin said...

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

Karoline / Jojo - you always know what to say...

IWBO - welcome, thanks for that, I didn't think of it that way but now you mention it, that is a good way of rationalising my feelings.

I am working on humane traps and a more humane wife (only kidding!).