17 Aug 2007

Dawn of a new era.

Weight : 242.2Lbs

So, finally I have joined the gym. I could put it off no further. My spangly shoes have twice graced the high-tech torture devices to be found in a very modern gymnasium and I will be going again this evening for gym & swim. The plan is to go 3 times a week.

I have my fitness assessment (groan...) on Saturday (I could save her the trouble and just take my death certificate with me...), so I am getting prepared for the endless perky optimism of the fitness instructor (why can't they have some fat, miserable ones.. not a very good marketing strategy I suppose), I will doubtless be bombarded with countless facts and figures that I will instantly forget as soon as my thighs are made to burn on the step machine (the very cruelest of the torture machines for sure..), about a minute should do it!

I really want to get fit, so fit that I can run when I want for as long as I want (within reason you understand, I am not planning one of those 'uber-iron man' marathon idiocies that last 3 days and you poo & pee yourself uncontrollably when you cross the line as the bit of your brain that controls your bodily functions has joined the rest of the organs and gone completely berserk..) - I just want to be able to do a 5K and not look like a Muppet. This is not too much to ask in my view, is it?

Somebody recently (probably her or her and maybe even her) told me that I will not believe how differently I will feel when I get fit. They are right as I have NEVER been fit, that's the problem. I do not know what I am missing and I often lack the motivation to find out because I have never had any real level of fitness in my life. That is a shocking thing to say and I got depressed during the writing of that last sentence, nice!

The problem that I have is that I FEEL I am in a 'complete gold plated Catch 22 in the first degree with great big knobs on' situation. Basically, I struggle to run because my legs hurt almost instantly and the reason my legs hurt is that :-

a) they were CLEARLY designed for someone else (possibly an Ostrich or very large 'gamma rayed' experimental Chicken) and cannot support the 3 JCB tyres I have metaphorically strapped around my waist....sigh..

and b) I am not fit enough to run.

The reason I am not fit enough is because I can't run, and I can't run because I am not fit - do you get it? Catch 22 or what!

I know what you will say. Do something else, ride a bike, swim, pogo up the Khyber Pass or whatever, anything in fact that does NOT cause impact to my desperately small and spindly legs.... Listen, I know you are right but I cannot help thinking you are wrong!

I want to run, I want to lose weight and I want to be 'normal' ( in my book, slightly better than wanting to be a tree, nice though that might be in the summer with little birds twittering on my branches and children running around beneath me...oh dear I think the medication has worn off again..NURSE!). Before the fat acceptance Gestapo go into attack formation, me wanting to be 'normal' does not imply that being FAT is abnormal (it is life threatening though...stick I LOVE MY BODY on a grave stone and see where that gets you...anyway I'm straying again..) - normalcy for me is being able to run and do 'fit' stuff without feeling a failure.

I weigh 240ish pounds, there are plenty of professional sportsmen of this weight and my height that can easily run a competitive marathon - so it isn't the weight, it's the distribution (back to the JCB tyres again..) and more importantly my general level of fitness.

Basically, this whole post boils down to one word.... 'impatience'.

This has been a FBT mind dump, brought to you as a public service. Please give generously on your way out...

Perhaps there is only one cardinal sin: impatience. Because of impatience we were driven out of Paradise, because of impatience we cannot return.
W. H. Auden


Anonymous said...

Congrats on joining a gym, it really will transform your life. Explain all of this about running to your instructor and they will advise you on how to build up the strength to run. If I were advising (which I am not qualified to do) I would say start off by walking and then after a month or so start incorporating some HIIT into your schedule and you'll be running before you know it.

Learn patience though, coz you're gonna need it for long term weight loss!

Tigerlilly said...

OK... I can sympathize with the impatience... but the running, well, as my dad used to tell me "If you want it, then put your ass in gear and get it!". He was my Karate coach for 6 years... in those 6 years I was in the best shape of my life.

I am currently getting into the run mode again... and to get my stamina up I have this simple routine:

3 min warm up (easy walk)
30 second sprint (fast as you can)
90 second recover (brisk walk)

30 second sprint
90 second recover

30 second sprint
90 secont recover

30 second sprint
90 second recover

30 second sprint
2 minute easy walk

30 second sprint
90 second recover

30 second sprint
90 secont recover

30 second sprint
90 second recover

30 second sprint
5 minute cool down (easy walking)

The total run is a little over a mile, depending on how fast you sprint and walk. IT will burn calories like you wouldn't believe, and it will introduce your body to running.

fatboyfat said...

If ever the phrase "Don't run before you can walk" was pertinent, it's now.

Anonymous said...

You should google the Couch to 5K program. It could help you become the runner you obviously want to be with your ostrich legs. LOL

karoline in the morning said...

lol..thankyou for that wonderful post...laughter has to burn at least a couple calories..no?

Spicy said...

Great blog! My advice...one day at a time. You gained the weight slowly..you have to lose it slowly...be patient..it will come!
Don't be too hard on yourself...have fun as well!

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