20 Aug 2007

Hell has a face and she answers to Frances....

Weight - 241.6lbs
Exercise - near death gym based shenanigans (see below for gruesome details).

'I'll be gentle' she said. Hmmmm....see what you think....

I arrived for my gym assessment (heath and lifestyle assessment included gratis) right on time. As predicted, I was met by the perkiest, most health obsessed person you are ever likely to meet, her name was Frances. A lovely lady it must be said. What follows is MY intepretation of the the first 45 minutes of our 'relationship'.

After the usual height and weight checks, I had my blood pressure taken and found it smack bang in the middle of 'normal range', this was even better than my recent check-up so things are starting to happen. Next was the realisation that I have shrunk as I appear to be an inch shorter than used to be, hopefully I haven't lost anything too important....

By this time I was starting to enjoy myself, but the black clouds were looming - she asked me 'Which machines DON'T you like' - this was a difficult one as it's like an Islamo-fascist asking me which knife I would prefer he DIDN'T use to hack my head off with live on the inter-web!

To be polite, I picked the worst looking one - the rowing machine. In my previous infrequent gym visits I always seemed to see some fit looking bloke going 'hammer and tongs' on the thing and looking like he was close to death moments after starting - not a good indication of suitability for my purposes...also, lets be honest here, I've tried the soddin' thing before and for ME it's like trying to row a dingy across a lake with all your winter coats on at ONCE! My body was not designed for this type of machine - I look like a bull frog with it's feet stuck to the wall....

Anyway, after deciding what I didn't want to do, I was introduced to my 'pain routine' :

10 minutes warm up on the bike (fitness program L9) - halfway through this, she uttered the fateful phrase 'I'll be gentle on you'. By glorious ironic coincidence, this was the moment my thighs let out a (silent to all but dogs) blood curdling cry and expired - I was trying to be a M A N about it ( i.e ignore the obvious and plough on regardless hoping no-one will notice my tears...) - it was then that she remembered to inform me that 'if you slow down your peddling, the resistance gets higher' - eh? how does that work exactly, just when I need a breather and slow down you turn the treacle up?? Insane! Anyway, I coughed and said I thought I had got the hang of this one and best we move on...I think she bought it..!

Next came the treadmill - ahhh, a nice relaxing walk maybe? She prodded a button called nine hole course and off we went. This innocuous sounding program (surely a gentle amble around the leafy fairways of a golf course??) turned into what can only be described as low level mountaineering - the damn thing started going up in the air! More insanity! Thankfully, she got bored before I did on this one so that was definitely a result as I could stop without further embarrassment. She was obviously getting worried about me by then as she looked at me with a serious 'you're not gonna die on MY watch' look on her face and instructed me to take on water and NOW!

Suitably refreshed, so to the final part of the 'holy trinity of torture', the cross trainer (cue - Phantom of the Opera organ music!). I have NEVER been so out of bodily control as when I used this (drunk or sober sadly...). I cannot begin to explain the complete mess I made of this contraption - legs and arms flailing everywhere totally out of sync with what the machine was doing - NOT helped by some bloke nearly twice my age (I exaggerate only SLIGHTLY...) on the next machine going at it like it it was the Olympic qualifications or something and STILL finding the lung capacity to condescendingly tell me that 'it takes a while to get used to it' - OH REALLY!

And then there were the exercises with some sort of space-hopper ball thing! Dont get me started on that! Things as they say, can only get better...

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Finally, if you got this far and you are a member of the FBT Weight loss challenge - PLEASE remember to send me your updated weight as soon as you can today so you get included in the weigh in tonight!
Best of luck everyone.

4 comments:

Celeste said...

I tried the gym and could not do it. I do much better with group acticities or at least a companion. Good luck!!!

fatboyfat said...

In a moment of weakness I was persuaded to buy one of those cross trainers for home use last year.

It's the most expensive clothes horse I've ever had.

karoline said...

LOL...i'm sorry, that was very charmingly written..you had me in tears..

;)
k

646-653 exam said...

I never go gym.I want to increase my wait.my wait is less than normal wait.