24 Sept 2007

Mental dump on the subject of ‘Chickless Headings’ and far more besides

We don’t really get Tornados in England (well not real ones like this) but today we had some little ones not far from here. Sky News got very excited as usual, but then they get excited about a particularly fruitful nose-picking…but only if someone has got some grainy mobile-phone derived video footage of it!

I feel I have been in a mental tornado of sorts for a while now myself. Whilst I may feel I’m getting blown from pillar to post all the while, I still manage to put up the appearance of serenity (just like the proverbial swan). Well sort of…

This may get a little rambling, but bear with me if the mood takes you!

I began this journey because I felt INSIDE that it was time to get something done. It was time to lose weight, time to get fit and time to expand my spiritual horizon. It just felt right, I can explain it no more than that. So far I have lost some weight, got a little fitter – not using my Asthma medication for months now is a MASSIVE non scale victory that it easy to overlook sometimes – and begun to more deeply explore my spiritual side (no sniggering at the back!).

The thing is, I know what I need to do to kick start my weight loss etc and it is mostly mental. I need a fresh beginning and a clean slate – in my mind that is. But like the beginning of this journey, I do not feel that this is in my control. I feel I will know when that time is right, and it most definitely isn’t now. I just wish it was….

Right. Positives. I am maintaining my weight at around 242Lbs – not my lowest but still nearly 30 Lbs down on my start weight. My eating is better but the wine and savoury treats are creeping back in – I know where I am going wrong and like I say, I know what to do but I have to FEEL its time to sort it out.

I am not ready to resume my full-blown ‘blogular’ duties (and I do see them as duteous – rightly or wrongly). It feels like something I really SHOULD be doing rather than something I can just play around with. I hope that doesn’t sound pretentious as it is not meant to be.

Anyway, since April, I have received a few unsolicited e-mails brought about by this Blog and they have been very humbling to be honest – to find that just one person takes inspiration and encouragement from my inane ramblings should be the fillip I need but it doesn't always work that way. I read a lot of Blogs (well I did until I fell into this slump) and I seldom take the time to contact authors directly and discuss their work. This mild and infrequent appreciation of my work actually contributes in some way to my feelings of inadequacy in a bizarre way and may even contribute to the base problem in the fist place.

As a consequence I have inadvertently (and ridiculously) placed enormous pressure on myself to write regular ‘high quality’ posts. At the moment, I don't have it in me...

Basically, since a child I have always wanted to be ‘good’ at something (the roots of this are probably far deeper than I want to go today). Something difficult, something that would challenge myself and impress others – I want to experience the adrenal thrill of achieving something that brings enormous pleasure to others. All I lack is talent, effort and application! No problem then….crack on!

I still have plans and I hope they will bear fruit soon but I am suffering ‘bloggers block’ and talking about it is not going to shift it I’m afraid. Clearly, the time IS coming when I will feel ready to ‘get back on the horse’ and turn Fat Bloke into Fat Bloke Thin. If not today, then sooner rather than later.

This whole thing is turning into the biggest challenge in my life by far – a challenge that I do not intend to give up on but a challenge that must be met on my terms and at a time of my choosing.

I know there are those that wish me well and I would like to thank you for your kind words. It may seem that I ignore you but you would be very wrong.

I will be back when the time is right.

He is able who thinks he is able.



Jenny said...

I completely understand... you have no idea. Take care of yourself, eat well and move. :-)

Laura N said...

Thanks for sharing from your heart. Truly, that's what matters most. Good luck on your journey and we'll see you when you're back.

Shelly Kneupper Tucker said...

Breathe in, breathe out, move on. I understand you completely (because I grapple with the same issues on blogging). Just, come back when you can, OK? Hugs to you.

Unknown said...

Take care and good luck! You will find what you need, when the time is right.

karoline in the morning said...

follow your heart...we'll still be here when you get back..



Live with intention.
Walk to the edge.
Listen hard.
Practice wellness.
Play with abandon.
L a u g h.
Choose with no regret.
Continue to Learn.
Appreciate your friends.
Do what you love.
Live as if this is all there is.

Mary Anne Radmacher

Naturally Blessed said...

blessings to you.......

MammaMayMiller said...

Apart from what I said in my email...can I echo what Karoline said? Really hoping you don't stay away too long, we'll miss you! And we'll def be there waiting for your return.

Take care

Chris H said...

Hope you sort yourself out, and look forward to when you feel able to post again....

karoline in the morning said...

I DISCOVERED THE REASON!! the reason you've hit a plateau!! now, carefully bear with me....i know yer still peakin' in...

go over to the left hand sidebar...and in the section titled "fatbloke facts"....read down to 'Normal' weight-179 lbs (unlikely)...

REMOVE that negativity from this page...you have written your future ...of course we all know that normal is perceptive...but the word 'unlikely' is so totally undharmic i cannot believe you actually typed that and saved...remove remove remove...

your 'normal' weight will be what it is when you discover what it actually is!..

*waves dharmic wand*
yayyy! yer all fixed!